Thursday, June 14, 2012

20 Reasons I'll Never See "Rock of Ages"

1) Rock of Ages is to metal what Glee is to high school.

2) It's a PG13 movie made for people who like Wham!.

3) Even Rob Halford thinks Rock of Ages is gay. 

4) And so would Freddie Mercury.

5) Tom Cruise is still trying really hard.

6) And so is Russell Brand.

7) Rock of Ages is more damaging to popular music than anything Marky Mark ever did.

8) If I wanna watch a movie about metal culture I'll watch Heavy Metal Parking Lot

9) Or Airheads.

10) Hell, I'd rather watch ANY metal movie than Rock of Ages.

11) Rock of Ages is the worst movie since Juno. 

12) Seriously, Rock of Ages makes me want to take a bath with a radio. 

13) Rock of Ages is to metal what Rocky 5 is to Rocky.

14) Rock of Ages is the worst thing to happen to metal since Metallica sued Napster.

15) Rock of Ages is proof that Dee Snider may have won the battle, but Tipper Gore won the war

16) If I see Rock of Ages, I'll never be able to watch 30 Rock again.

17) Or American Splendor.

18) Or Breaking Bad.

18) Re-recording musical theatre versions of metal songs is like adding Instagram filters to paintings. 

19) Metal looks like this:

20) And Rock of Ages looks like this:

This article was originally featured on Nuvox Radio:


  1. Glad I won't see you there, buzzkiller.

  2. I'm glad too, whoever skipped lunch to write this is a dumbass. and just to mention one thing, everything shown in #19 is in the movie.

  3. "Seriously, Rock of Ages makes me want to take a bath with a radio."

    Would you? Pretty please?

  4. I have no problem with trashing a movie, even one you haven't seen. But the satire cannot be as broad and open-ended as this, it has to be more specific and targeted. Of course, that's hard to do if you haven't seen the movie...


  5. Your review was AWESOME! Any person who respects talent and music and the effort put into making it would never shit on it like the makers of Rock of Ages did.

    It appears a few fanboys disagree but taking criticism isn't what they're good at so don't pay any attention to them.

  6. That list wasn't even approaching funny. I'm pretty curious about Tom Cruise playing a rock star. I don't see how he can possibly pull it off.


    Sorry, that comment "Oh and #19 is in the movie" killed me! No, no it's not. Believe me, the strippers in the movie look NOTHING like the ones in the Motley Crue music video. Fuck they don't even look like strippers period! They wear more clothes than strippers, even Julianne Hough wears more clothes when she's at her stripper job than she does in the rest of the movie! Oh and you'll love(sarcasm) this, the "strippers" never take their clothes off in the movie. Not once! No their strip-teases look like professional choreographed numbers you see in other musicals.

    Not to mention NO ONE drinks or does drugs in this movie! Oh sure it's implied, you see ash trays with cigarette butts all over the bar/club, characters tote bottles of liquor, but you never, NEVER, see any character smoking a cigarette let alone doing any hardcore drugs, and the one time a character is again implied to be drinking heavily, he goes outside to do it but you never see him or anyone else raise a bottle to their lips. The closest you get to anything raunchy is Julianne Hough's character giving Tom Cruise's character a "lap dance" (let's face it, it isn't) and Tom Cruise's character dry-humping (implied actual fornication) on an air hockey table and at one point during the "copulation" SINGING INTO THE WOMAN'S ASS!!!!! Oh and I suppose Alec Baldwin and Russel Brand making out since they're the gay couple of the movie, if you're not in to that sort of thing.

    But yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. Rock of Ages really is a Glee version of 80's rock/metal. The songs sound overly bubblegum pop (like Glee's versions of pop music) and sound too modern and nothing like the original versions do (which is bullshit since the movie takes place in 1987 so the songs shouldn't sound like modern pop songs) and their is an obvious difference in sound when the characters speak and when they sing. Basically when they're singing, not only do the songs sound more modernized, but you can tell that they sometimes sound like hired someone else to "sing" for the characters and other times it sounds like they auto-tuned the fuck out of the actors voices to make them sound better (though let's face it, they don't). I found this out the hard way when I found a video on YouTube of Def Leppard discussing the movie and they show a clip of Tom Cruise singing "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and his voice sounds kinda like him but not really like him. Like it had been auto-tuned.

    And no, I haven't seen the movie. Sorry to all the butthurt little pussies getting their panties tied in knots over anyone bad-mouthing the movie they're creaming themselves over, but I HAVE taste in films. I just watched a very telling review that gave away spoilers letting me know how much of a piece of shit Rock of Ages the movie really

  8. Great post. Great article. I agree with pretty much everything said in it. If you want to watch a good rock satire film I suggest you see Spinal Tap or Airheads.

  9. He lost me at "Worst movie since Juno"

  10. damn son. if you're gonna make a bad review, at least make it funny.

    plus I can't take you serious with that typo (weap) and all that homophobia ("it's so gay! so gay").

  11. ((((NODS))))) very
    Particularly #12 IMO

  12. Agree with so much there! Hollywood doens't get metal - I certainly don't talk about "rocking"! Also, I agree about Airheads, definately a stupidly funny film to check out! Oh, and Juno was bloody awful, I got 15 mins thought and I' was out of their! You seems to share dave's veiwpoint on women though - I'm not sure much metal I've seen looks like that! I thought R Brand was good at sppofing an obnoxious british rockstar though, I thought it was pretty acuarate - it was quite different from metal. Oh, and I like school of rock!

  13. Rock of Ages is a pile of shit.

    Your attempt at being funny is also a pile of shit.

  14. I loved it(the blog, not the movie). Unfortunately, I paid before reading this.

    The blog sums up why it flopped.

  15. Shit film? Agreed. Then you go ahead and write an equally shit blog about it? quit life now, your stealing this planets oxygen.